Petunia rambles on and on….

It’s good to know I’m not the only person in the world who thinks things should stay they way they are.

Oh, my!!

Shit, this may not take long!  I don’t think much.  Or often.

I read with amusement a recent post by LookyDaddy where he discusses the fact that he is banned by his wife from using a jackhammer.  Damn, I thought I was the only wife who threw that sort of fit, and issued those sorts of ORDERS!!!   Sorry, TheMom, that you had to do it, too, with good reason.

Mine happened many years ago.  Wait while I get out the calculator, subtract the age the child was then from how old the child is now.  Twenty two years ago, I issued the Bann for ALL TIME, and I hope it still stands now, even after the divorce (or maybe it was one of the reasons for the divorce??)

We bought a big farmhouse, and afterward realized that we’d have to heat it.  We bought it in May.  The enormity and expense of the task maybe didn’t hit us until October or so   Or maybe, as a cost-saving measure, we could heat just parts of it?  The previous owners took out the coal burning stove in the living room.  We replaced it with a humongous one.  Weren’t planning on burning coal, although it was capable of it – just wood.  Which we ordered by the cord.  Had plenty of storage room in the barns and had 2 sons old enough to carry wood in. 

(Really sorry about that, Brian.  I didn’t find out until years later that your older brother was threatening you with being locked for all eternity in the loft of the barn if you didn’t carry his share every winter.  You’re taller than he is now, and beefier, and I suggest you, uh, straighten this matter out privately.)

Off track there. 

We know nothing about woodstoves, himself or I, but my older brother had been using one in his house for years, and he showed us the ropes.  One of the first things we discovered is that our wood supplier, who sold us full cords at a good price, delivered promptly, sold split logs that were 24″ in length.  Nice size.  Except that the “bin” where the wood went in the stove was 22″ in length.  The wood would not lay flat in the bottom.  This affects burning rate, getting the damn fire started, a whole lot of things.  Damn. 

The solution we used for years was simple.  Brother G, the great fire-starter and wood-burner, came over early in the season with his trusty chain saw.  A mark was made on an old picnic table at 18″.  Put one end of the log at that mark and 6″ hung over the edge of the table.  While my ex- held the log steady, my brother cut off about 4″ pieces.  The kids called the wee bits “cookies,” and when all were cut, the kids gathered them up into a big pile.  They were used for starting fires (the cookies were, not the kids!), and were tucked into the sides when the stove was fully loaded to get through the night.   This was a great plan and worked for years.  The two men spent an afternoon a year at it, swapping stories and hoisting a few. 

But I guess, over time, my ex- felt like he was taking advantage of the good nature of his brother-in-law, and thought he should get his own chain-saw, and do this task without asking for help each year.  I threw a fit.  He was a clumsy sort and I don’t believe he ever peeled a potato without needing a Band-Aid afterwards.  Homeowner chores just weren’t his area of expertise.  (There’s a story about a frozen pipe, the wall behind my washing machine and a blowtorch that ain’t pretty)   I told him to continue using Brother’s help, buy him a 6-pack and he’ll be happy.  It’s not a problem.   Blah, blah, in one ear and out the arse.

Lo and behold, he comes home with a chain saw.  I am envisioning the driving route, pretty direct, between our house and the nearest hospital, knowing I’m gonna need it, and it’s gonna be a bloody trip.  I again throw a fit, but of course, being a man, he’s not listening.

So, on a subsequent Saturday, I take the daughter and go in to town for some reason, and leave my 6-year-old, extremely hyperactive son home with his father.  Hyperactive as in fall out of his chair at school, out of his chair at the dinner table, talk and walk in his sleep, vibrate practically all the time.   The first thing I notice when I pull into the driveway is the sound of that damn chain saw.  So I head out to the pole barn to see what’s going on, as Brother’s truck isn’t around.

AND WHAT DO I SEE???????

Husband learning how to use a chain saw, with a hyperactive, 600-bounces-per-minute son holding the log for him.  About 6 inches from the cutting edge.

I don’t know how we stayed married as long as we did.   The chain saw was dropped off, practically unused, at the Delaware Solid Waste Authority station (also known in these parts as “the flypit”) in Sandtown, DE.  It was just tossed into the pit.

I use “Light Golden Brown” on my hair.

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Many years ago, I gave some thought to studying to be a teacher.  Nothing ever came of it; I don’t think all these Pell Grants and Student Loans and such were available back then.  If your folks couldn’t afford to write a check for it all, you were pretty much shit out of luck.  Anyway, in many ways, I’m a teacher at heart, and have functioned as Instructor on many jobs..

I got a GPS device for Christmas, and even though I’ve hardly been out of town, I’ve had it mapping and talking here locally.  (At $3/gallon for gas, it seems really stupid to drive to places I don’t need to go to, just to see if this device knows how to get there)  I also am frequently accompanied by 2 small grand-travellers, in their car seats behind me, all eyes and ears. 

“What’s that, Grandmom?”  “It’s a  map.”  “What’s a map, Grandmom?”  “It tells me where to go – no, I’ve got a husband for that where we are driving.  See how the road turns up there.  Look how it turns on the little screen.”   Nods of agreement from the back.  “Right turn ahead” speaks out the female voice.  “Who’s that, Grandmom?”  “The lady who tells you which way to turn.  She says to turn Right.”   And then we have a discussion about RIGHT and LEFT.   Right turns, right hands, left ears.  And how gentlemen shake RIGHT hands and such.

I am determined to teach these boys to know RIGHT from LEFT instantly.  I was taught “Right is the hand you write with” except, oh shit, I’m left handed.  I taught that to my 3 right-handed children, though, and also the one where, if you place your left hand palm-down, with thumb spread out, it makes it’s own “L”.

If I mention something concerning left or right, even now I know that at least one of my 3 children is spreading a hand on a lap under the table.

Anyway.

After a series of right and left turns, thoughtfully directed by the voice in the GPS device, and each and every one repeated by the pair in the back seat, we “arrive at our destination.”

Says Nick, “Thank you, lady.”

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All Architects – Please take note:

Buildings in the higher latitudes of the Northern Hemisphere should not have any entrance doors on their northern side.  In winter, the sun arcs very low in the sky during it’s daily travel from east to west.  Thus, sunlight, warming sunlight, never gets to the front door of a building designed that way.  Snow, when walked on, packs to ice, and stays there longer, without the benefit of “old sol.” 

Old women who appear to be practicing the “Cha Cha Cha” at 7:30 in the morning in front of their “place of business” really aren’t.  (And we don’t bounce well anymore, either)

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For years, I thought that my vehicle’s gas tank was somehow magically linked to price increases.  As my tank got lower, attendents at gas stations in the area readied bigger numbers, and when my gauge got near “E” and I headed to the station, they raced out and changed the price.  Now, I know that my gas tank is linked in some way with “Mother Nature” and particularly, her violently cold and windy side.  While I idiotically shake my fist at her, I really know it’s all my fault.  I lived in South Florida once.  I am smart enough to read a map and go back there.

Without the GPS, even.

I started out with this:

And this is what I ended up with, 2-ply yarn:

The deep rich colors seem to have blended in, faded away.  Still pretty, but I miss that green!!   Oh, experts, is there a way I could have done this better?  And obviously, I’m still working on getting it even!!